


Merasmus Ships

by DeckofDragons



Series: TF2 Shipping Challenge (With Some Bonus SpyDad) [10]
Category: Team Fortress 2
Genre: Drabbles, Fluff, Gen, M/M, Merasmus POV, Shipping Challenge, one shots
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-16
Updated: 2019-07-24
Packaged: 2020-06-29 11:28:17
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 9
Words: 4,926
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19829233
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DeckofDragons/pseuds/DeckofDragons
Summary: A one shot for each Merasmus ship.





	1. Engineer - Dread

**Author's Note:**

> At long, long last we're nearing the end of this challenge. It was a lot of fun to write, not so much fun to edit. I actually finished writing it a long time ago, around the time the Sniper Ships one started to go up so I've just been editing for a long while now. I'm glad we're almost done.
> 
> But, I love Merasmus so I had to do this. The Scout one isn't shippy though, I just can't with them, it's too weird.

The sentry beeped three times as it turned to left and then to the right, back and forth, the three beeps repeating every couple of seconds. It was… underwhelming and rather boring.

“Is this really what you do all day?” Merasmus asked, turning his head to look at Engie who sat on his dispenser in the corner. “Just sit here next to your briefcase thingy and listen to this thing beep?” It had been half an hour and the only bits of excitement they’d encountered was the enemy showing up twice and instantly being obliterated by the gun. It hadn’t even been a contest.

“Yup, pretty much,” Engie replied with a chuckle. “I told you, you wouldn’t like it.”

Merasmus had thought he’d been exaggerating. How could doing battle with a sentry gun that fired rockets be boring? But here they were sitting in a basement guarding a briefcase filled papers that weren’t even magical. He was about ready to go insane.

“You don’t got to stay though,” Engie continued. “You can go off and do something else. We could meet back up at base or wherever later.”

Merasmus could do that or he could do something more fun. “No, I have an idea to make this more exciting.”

“I… dread to think what it might be but go ahead, hit me with it.”

“This feels like cheating,” Engie whispered, leading the way via a rope tied to the back of his overalls that Merasmus held onto. It was a bit embarrassing but they were invisible – the reason for that setup in the first place – and thus couldn’t be seen even by each other.

It probably was cheating but… “All’s fair in love and war,” Merasmus replied with an evil chuckle.

Engie grunted. “You sure the invisibility spell will even hold even when it’s deployed and firing?”

“Yes, I’m sure. I am a master wizard; how dare you question the strength of my spells.” Yes, he’d messed up a couple of them but invisibility was one of the easiest spells to master. It was also one of the most useful spells and thus he used it a lot. It had saved him from run-ins with the various gangs he owed money to more times than he could count and thus naturally he was _very_ good at it.

“Whatever you say I suppose.”

They crept deeper and deeper into the enemy territory, sticking to the sides lest an enemy or friend bump into them, giving their position away. This side looked almost exactly the same as RED’s side, how odd. Heck, everything about RED and BLU was odd. It was none of Merasmus’ business though, that’s not what he was here for.

Engie called a halt at last in the middle of the enemy’s courtyard. There was a clunk as he presumably placed his packed-up sentry gun down. The sound of its automatic deployment starting came a few seconds later.

“You know, I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t excited about this,” Engie said with a chuckle. “I ought to ask you to help me spice up more battles in the future.”

“Gladly.” It was just fun to mess with people. What better way to do that than to change something already established, like turning a level three sentry invisible?

Engie pulled them back into a corner so they could so they could watch anyone who came across the invisible sentry gun without risk of being bumped into. “We can worry about getting the enemy intel in a bit,” he said. “I got to watch them try to deal with my gun first.”

“I shall summon us some popcorn.” The best snack for watching people die.


	2. Demo - Pride

“It’s very… wizardy,” Demo said as he looked around Merasmus’ new workshop/lab.

“Is it spooky? It’s supposed to be spooky.” Merasmus had put a lot of effort into making it spooky. Halloween was his _thing_ after all and he took great pride in that. He’d brought in most of his wizarding books and his magic cauldron – it didn’t really do anything except for bubble constantly but it looked cool and that’s what mattered most – and had turned off the lights so that the whole place was lit up with nothing but the special green candles he’d made for just this purpose, giving everything a creepy greenish hue.

“It is very spooky,” Demo replied with a chuckle. “Spookiest thing I’ve seen in ages. But now that you’re all settled in here, let’s get something to drink to celebrate.”

“I thought we already celebrated.”

“Nah, that was just your welcome to the team party.” It had been a bit of awkward party. What everyone thought was the final member of the team – Scout – had been established more than a year ago so Merasmus joining was unprecedented. He’d _needed_ a well-paying job though; he had some serious debt he needed to pay off. He’d gotten hired on solely because of his connection to Demo who had vouched for him, resulting in him becoming the tenth member of the team.

“This,” Demo continued, pulling out a bottle of his favourite scotch. “Is to celebrate getting settled in.”

Merasmus frowned at him as he watched him pour the scotch into a couple of shot glasses on the table, uncomfortably close to the spell book also placed on the table. “You mean it’s just an excuse to drink.”

“Yes, ‘course it is. So you want to or am I going to have to drink this whole bottle of scotch all by myself?” Demo held one of the now full shot glasses towards Merasmus.

With a sigh, Merasmus accepted it. He normally didn’t like to drink much but hanging out with Demo a lot tended to result in one drinking more than one normally would. He’d even acquired a fondness for the taste. “No getting drunk though.” When they got drunk together bad things tended to happen, magic, explosives, and alcohol was often an unhealthy combination for those around them.

“No worries, we got this. Love you.”

Grateful the poor lighting probably obscured his blush, Merasmus clinked his glass to Demo’s. “Love you too,” he whispered before downing it.


	3. Scout - Anticipation

“Hey, Merey, how’s it going?”

Merasmus jumped but totally did not let out a squeak of surprise as he turned around. Scout was standing at the bottom of the stairs. He frowned but Scout didn’t seem to care and just stepped further in, looking around the basement as if mystified. Good, finally someone who thought his magic was cool but…

“How did you get in?” Merasmus was _sure_ he’d locked the doors and changed the locks to ensure Soldier couldn’t use his old key to get in. Just because they were on better terms now didn’t mean Merasmus wanted him visiting, especially uninvited.

Scout’s gaze snapped back to Merasmus. “You weren’t answering the door so I picked the locks,” he said as if that were the most normal thing in the world to do. “So anyway, you’re like a wizard from a faraway land, right?”

Merasmus really should probably kick him out but honestly, he couldn’t be bothered to deal with that right now. It had been a long day, he needed a good soak in a bath with scented oil followed by bedtime. “A faraway land isn’t how I would describe it, but sure let’s go with that.”

“Cool, that’s cool. Did you have like… a teacher or something who taught you magic?”

“Once upon yes. But I have long since surpassed her in the arts of magic and her bones have fallen to dust many ages ago.” That was a bit of an exaggeration, but a little bit of embellishment never hurt anyone. “But what do you want?” There was no way Scout had literally broken in just to make small talk. “I am a very busy wizard, I have stuff to do.” Like setting up that bath. “So hurry it up.”

“Well uh… I was wondering if maybe you could uh… teach _me_ how to do magic.”

Merasmus opened his mouth to respond but nothing came out. He didn’t know what he wanted to say. He’d never had anyone ask him that before. He’d never even had anyone look up to him due to his magic skills before – or at all really. And Scout looked so eager and sincere too, he _really_ meant it. It… felt _very_ nice. So really, there was only one way he could answer, right? “Of course, I the Great and Powerful Merasmus shall teach you how to perform magic.”

“ _Sweet_!” Scout even jumped up with excitement. “When do we start?”

“Tomorrow, midday.” It was way too late today and Merasmus needed some time to figure out how to teach someone magic. He’d never taught anyone anything before. But since he was a master at his craft, how hard could it really be?

“All right, I will be here midday tomorrow _for sure_. See you then.” Scout gave him a small wave before dashing back up the stairs. He’d for sure be an enthusiastic student. That was a good sign, right? It’d probably be no problem at all. Merasmus was looking forward to it.


	4. Sniper - Magnificent

A light tapping on Merasmus’ face pulled him back towards consciousness where everything hurt. It felt like he’d been hit in the head with a bowling ball.

“You all right mate?” Sniper asked, looking down at him. Merasmus’ head was _in_ his lap. He jerked a little but was unable to actually sit up yet.

“What happened?” he asked instead with a groan.

“A kangaroo punched you in the face. You lucky it didn’t kick you, it could’ve caved your skull in.”

“Magnificent.” At least Sniper wasn’t giving him an ‘I told you so’ even if he did kind of deserve one. Sniper had told him not to approach but he had anyway and now he was paying the price.

“You going be all right though?” Sniper asked. “Or you think you need me to drive you to the hospital.”

“Ugh, no, don’t you dare.” Merasmus would rather burn at the stake than go to a hospital. He was perfectly capable of taking care of himself without anyone poking him with needles or telling him what to do to stay healthy. “I’ll be fine.”

With some difficult and Sniper’s help, he managed to sit up. He couldn’t remember the last time his head had hurt this bad. A careful probing at the place with the most concentrated amount of pain revealed that his skull was still intact even if it didn’t feel like it right now.

“Don’t tell the Bombinomicon about this,” he said, looking back up at Sniper. He’d never hear the end of it.

“No worries, I won’t tell anyone. We should probably get you back home so you can lay down though.”

“No. We came out here to hunt.” More like Merasmus had come out here to watch him hunt because a) he’d ben invited to and b) he was curious to see more of Australia because he’d never been before. “So we’re going to hunt and what we’re hunting is kangaroos.”

“Uh… hunting roos is dangerous, illegal, and they don’t taste too good.”

“I don’t care, I want my vengeance.” Merasmus had a reputation to uphold, no one was allowed to cross him and get away with it. “I’ll curse them all with giant heads so they can’t hippity-hop anymore and then they’ll explode in shower of blood and brain matter.”

“Well, if you insist, we could probably track down the one that hit I guess,” Sniper said, unslinging his rifle from around his back to hold in his hands again as he stood up. “It shouldn’t’ve gotten too far away yet.”

“Good, yes, let’s do that.” Merasmus stood, only wobbling a little bit. “I shall have my revenge.”


	5. Heavy - Trust

“Trust me, is not bad,” Heavy said. “Just try it.”

Merasmus frowned at him. He made a point not to fully trust anyone ever, especially if they said something along the lines of ‘trust me’. “I would rather not.” Just looking at it and smelling it was bad enough. There was no way that was actually food that real people ate. He’d be willing to bet that not even a dog would eat it.

“Give it a chance,” Heavy said. He was the one who’d made it and somehow seemed to be enjoying it. Supposedly it was a dish popular in Russia somehow and thus had a name that Merasmus couldn’t even begin to say. “Looks gross, I know, but it’s good, trust me.”

Merasmus groaned as he picked up the fork and poked it. He’d tried several of Heavy’s other Russian dishes in the past – they were roommates and Heavy was the only one who really knew how to cook and thus he volunteered to more often than not, probably not wanting to eat Merasmus’ burnt attempts at making food – and had liked them so maybe this one wasn’t as bad as it looked? But how could that be?

He’d rather not risk it. On the other hand though, it was the only food in the house unless he wanted to eat a block of cheese out of the fridge again or peanut butter out of the jar. Which actually wasn’t a bad idea, that’s how he lived for several years before finally deciding to change things up and get a roommate almost a whole year ago now. He could go back to that, no problem. So…

“Is fine, you don’t have to it,” Heavy said as if reading his mind. “I was sharing just a bit more of my culture with you, is not to everyone’s taste of course. I’ll make you something else if you like.” Dammit, his tone filled with poorly concealed disappointment. Was he doing it on purpose? Trying to make Merasmus feel bad so he’d try it? It was hard to say as his face was stoic as always.

“No, no, I’ll try it.” _Trying_ it wouldn’t be too bad, would it? Hopefully not. “It’d be rude not after all the trouble you put into making it.” So he got himself a bit on the fork, as much as he dared and put it in his mouth.

Excepting to have to hold back a gag, he was shocked to find that it actually wasn’t bad. He wouldn’t say it tasted good but it was edible.

“See? Told you,” Heavy said with a chuckle at whatever he saw on Merasmus face.

“Fine, yes, you were right,” Merasmus replied after chewing and swallowing. “It still _looks_ nasty though.” No one could deny that or that it smelled bad.

“It does.” Good, Heavy at least agreed with that. “You going to finish or you’d prefer something else though?”

“I’ll finish it.” It was cooked food he didn’t have to work for so he could put up with it. And he couldn’t ask Heavy to make him something else, that’d be rude.


	6. Pyro - Hallucinations

The fireball incinerated the wasp’s nest instantly, leaving nothing inside alive and turning the whole thing into a clump of ash that fell apart when it hit the ground. Give the wind a day or two to blow it all away and there’d be no trace of it left.

“There, happy?” Merasmus said as he turned back to face Pyro. “It’s gone, no more wasps. Now you can…”

Pyro interrupted with an unintelligible mumble. He was clapping and practically vibrating with excitement too. Why was anyone’s guess; wasps were heinous and deserved such a fate but it was still only a single wasp’s nest. One too high off the ground of Pyro’s flamethrower to reach so he’d dragged Merasmus out here to deal with it with magic and for some reason he had.

“I’ve no clue what you just said.” Nor did Merasmus care all that much.

Pyro paused and took a deep breath before replying, enunciating through the mask. “Can you do that again, _please_?”

“Do what?”

“The rainbow spell! Pretty please!” Pyro even put his hands together in a begging gesture. But…

“I’m not a leprechaun, I don’t summon rainbows.” Merasmus couldn’t even be offended. He’d never been mistaken for a leprechaun before and wasn’t even sure how that had happened. And it was Pyro, he was too bubbly and happy for Merasmus to get upset with him much.

Pyro made a whining sound under his mask as if he were in distress. “Fire. Cast the fire spell again please.”

“Oh. Why were you talking about rainbows then?”

“Fire looks like rainbows to me. It’s very pretty so please could cast the fire spell again.”

Had Merasmus heard that right? Did fire really look like rainbows to Pyro? That would certainly explain some things if it did so maybe he did. What an interesting thing to hallucinate though. But he was very eager and excited so…

Merasmus cast another fireball, this time straight up into the air. He was always pleased to show off his magical powers, especially to those who found them impressive. And Pyro certainly was as he clapped and did a little excited dance as if he were watching fireworks. So Merasmus kept doing it. Never before had his magic delighted someone so much, he was going to milk this reaction for all it was worth.


	7. Spy - Brave

“I didn’t expect you of all people to have a cat,” Spy said as said cat joined them in the living room, tail held high in the air with confidence.

“I have five of them actually.” Merasmus hadn’t _planned_ on getting any cats at all but when a box of kittens had appeared on the doorstep of his castle one rainy morning, he hadn’t been left with much of a choice. Not that it was a terrible burden to bear or anything, in fact, it was quite pleasant. “They’re good for keeping the place free of pests.” And providing company on lonely nights. “That one is named Cthulhu.”

Spy snorted. “You named your cat ‘Cthulhu’?”

“Of course. I would never give my familiars mundane names. The other four are Hades, Poliel, Lucifer, and Loki.” They were deserving of only the best. “You better be kind to them unless you want to be cursed for all of eternity.”

“I will, don’t worry.” Spy bent down a bit and rubbed his fingers together, making kissing sounds at Cthulhu to call him over. Being the bravest of the five – that being the reason he was in the room with Merasmus’ visitor when the other four were all still hiding somewhere – he went over to investigate.

Spy peeled off one of his gloves to pet Cthulhu, earning a purr as Cthulhu arched up into his hand. Meaning he approved of Spy and since Spy clearly knew how to pet a cat, the others would probably like him too. Meaning Merasmus was free to continue to pursue whatever their relationship now was after two successful dates and a tentatively planned third one. Really there wasn’t a better way to judge someone as a potential partner than by introducing them to one’s beloved pets. Animals always knew when someone was a good person.


	8. Medic - Pregnancy

“You did _what_ with a baboon uterus?”

Medic frowned at the interruption as he shifted the baby baboon in his arms. “Baboon uterus _es_ , plural. I surgically implanted them within my test subjects and put a fertilized baboon egg inside it. Resulting in a pregnancy which I then _drastically_ sped up with the use of this.” He held up something that looked like a clicker pen that had been modified. “And now I have a baby baboon.”

Merasmus couldn’t help but grimace. He’d done a lot of fucked up shit in his life but _that_ was just disgusting and wrong on so many levels. “Are you insane?”

Medic chuckled. “Yes, I think we have established that before. Would you like to hold him?”

Merasmus would’ve said ‘no’ – just the thought of how it had come to be in this world made it a bit gross – but Medic was already putting it into his arms. It grasped onto his robe before he could stop it and pulled itself onto his shoulder. And once there, there was no way he could remove it without feeling bad.

“I’m sure there are easier ways to get baboons,” he said instead. “Even baby ones.”

“Oh, there are, without a doubt. I just did it this way because I wanted to see if it would work.” Of course, he’d do that. Most of what he did, he did solely because he could and/or because he wanted to see if it would work without ever considering the ethics of.

“What even gave you the idea?”

Medic shrugged. “I don’t know. I just thought about it one day and decided to start working on it.” The genius of a madman.

“Uh… how does it work though?” Merasmus maybe didn’t want to know, it was gross and disgusting, but at the same time he was curious. Medical stuff wasn’t something he knew a lot about, making the field interesting at times, especially with what Medic did in it.

A large smile splayed across Medic’s face, the look he always got when someone asked him to explain on of his experiments. “I could show it to you if you like, it’d be easier to explain everything that way.”

Merasmus had a good probability of regretting this but his morbid curiosity wouldn’t leave him alone if he didn’t so… “Sure, show it to me.”


	9. Soldier - Innocent

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Last one and the longest one!

“She is innocent of any and all wrongdoing,” Soldier said, hugging of his ‘pet’ raccoon to his chest and angling it away so that his body was between it and Merasmus. As if that could protect it for long. “Do not blame her.”

“I told you, you could keep it as long it as it didn’t make a mess and it made a mess so get it out of my house.” Merasmus was being as lenient as he possibly could for Soldier’s sake. If he had it his way, he’d kill the damn thing with a fireball.

“I told you, she did not do it. She is very well trained and behaved.” It was literally chewing and clawing at his arms even as he talked. He didn’t seem to care though, it’d be the death of him one day. “It was the ghost, I saw it. It ripped up your spell book and scattered the pieces everywhere. I was going to tell you but then you came home and saw it before I could and now you’re trying to blame Darling for that and it’s not fair.”

“For the last fucking time there is no ghost.” Merasmus had banished all the ghosts from the premises before moving in. Soldier continued to insist there was one though, had ever since he’d moved in.

“No, there is a ghost, it’s just never shown itself to you for some reason. And it does not like Darling so it is trying to make you get rid of her by making a mess of your precious things. She is _innocent_ though and I can prove it.”

Merasmus _really_ ought to just kick the both of them out, banish them to another realm if that’s what it took to be rid of them and he was tempted to. But despite everything he was rather fond of Soldier in a way he didn’t really want to admit to, even to himself but there were times when he had to. So he’d give him this one last chance to keep his ‘pet’ raccoon – why couldn’t he have become super attached to a cat instead? That’d be so much easier and more pleasant to deal with.

“Fine, prove it. And it better be good or I’m going to banish Darling to the lowest depths of hell where it belongs.”

“Don’t you dare.” Soldier gave him a look somewhere between a pouting face and a glare. It was almost comical and endearing except for the fact that Merasmus was still pissed at his damn ‘pet’. “Now, let’s go.”

Holding Darling like a baby – it seemed to have calmed it down some or it had given up on escaping for now – Soldier led the way out of his room and then to the basement; the scene of the crime. The damaged spell book lay open on the table. Three pages had been torn out, leaving only small jagged strips behind in the book. The rest of those pages were torn up and scattered on the floor in front of the table.

Merasmus’ blood boiled at the sight of it still. One of his precious spell books had been damaged beyond repair. And it was one of the oldest ones too, making the information inside it _very_ valuable. And now that damn oversized rat had ripped it up.

Soldier marched right up to the mess. “First, look at the size of the pieces, Darling could not have torn them up this much. Nor could she have sprinkled them on the ground like this. If it _had_ been her, the pages would still be in the book and just torn up with claw marks and perhaps chewed on a bit. Second, the book was on the shelf. I know because I saw it and you always yell at me when I leave your spell books laying out. You _never_ leave them out. And third, she spends most of her time in my room because she knows you don’t like her. So, she wasn’t even down here when it happened.”

Taking the time to look at it more rationally, Soldier had _maybe_ a point. The book should’ve been on the shelf and the pattern of destruction didn’t match with what a raccoon would naturally do. And while she did leave Soldier’s room sometimes it wasn’t often. So… perhaps Merasmus had been wrong? Ugh, how… _embarrassing_.

“How do I know you didn’t help her? Maybe you left out the book and she clawed it up so you did this to hide that so you could say the ghost that supposedly haunts our home that only _you’ve_ ever seen did it.”

Soldier just looked at him in silence for a few seconds before replying. “I did not. It was the ghost. I saw it happen.” He was firm and insistent as if he _truly_ believed what he said. Which didn’t mean it wasn’t a lie; all of Soldier’s honesty and not knowing how to tell a lie could easily be an act. … One he never dropped even when he had every reason to believe he was unobserved _and_ never faltered on for years. How likely was that _really_?

But if it _wasn’t_ a lie, that meant he could only be telling the truth, right? Once more putting Merasmus in the camp of having been wrong about two things this time: the ghost and Darling being the culprit in this crime.

“So,” Soldier said, “now that we have established that Darling did not do it, I’m going to put her to bed. She’s had a long stressful experience and she needs a nap.”

Merasmus watched in silence as Soldier walked past him and started back up the stairs. Dammit, now Merasmus now had to chose to believe him and apologize for trying to kill and then remove Darling or not and kick Darling and probably Soldier with her out. … Or he could clean up and try pretend it didn’t happen, certainly an appealing option and therefore the best one.

Except it wasn’t the best one because Soldier continued to be upset about it. He didn’t say anything, he just purposefully avoided Merasmus, especially when it came to making conversation. As a result, it wasn’t even two whole weeks before Merasmus found himself knocking on Soldier’s bedroom door with a grimace on his face.

Soldier naturally answered it within seconds. “Yes?” he said, sounding almost formal about it. He was still upset and perhaps had a right to be since Merasmus _had_ tried to kill his precious ‘pet’.

“I… was wrong and I apologize,” Merasmus replied, saying it as fast he possibly could, the words like acid on his tongue. He was great and powerful wizard, he wasn’t supposed to be wrong about stuff.

Soldier perked up, a stupid grin splaying across his face. “Apologize to Darling too, she’s the one who needs it the most,” he said as he stepped back into his room and gestured for Merasmus to enter.

With a sigh, he did. It was clean and tidy as expected; Soldier was a lot of things but messy wasn’t one of them. Next to his neatly made bed was a baby carriage, inside of which was the raccoon in question. It seemed to have accumulated to life with Soldier as it wasn’t struggling and didn’t seem upset. Maybe Soldier really had tamed it.

Soldier stepped up to stand in front of it. “I am sorry.” Again, he said it as fast he possibly could. The sooner this was done, the better. “There, happy?” he said, turning back to Soldier who was smiling even wider now.

“Yes,” he replied. “And now that we’re all friends again, I can help you catch that ghost. It needs to go because it wants Darling gone.”

Merasmus sighed and shook his head. “Fine, let’s catch the damn ghost.” He needed to see if it was really real anyway. And anything to move on from having to admit he was wrong and apologize for it was extremely welcome.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This marks the end of my daily upload streak. It lasted 165 days! That is insane. It's not super impressive when accounting for the fact that 90% of it was drabbles but it's still *really* good in my opinion. I'll never top it, that's for sure.


End file.
